“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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Peace was never an option
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this