“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
lol
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Taking phone security to the next level.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.