“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine