“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
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“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I created you as mosquito food.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?