@ceejoyner: Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.
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@pumpkin_horse: *lays down on memory foam mattress* mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade? me: I regret buying you
@weinerdog4life: one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
@GrantTanaka: son: I don't think he likes me wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
@SarahThyre: During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.