*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.