Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living