-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.