-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Guys, I found it.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.