Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second