@trevso_electric: Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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@GABBYdaAngSaya: Boss: I suspect one of you is dead [Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
@michael_J_m00n: Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don't even drink blood alcohol.
@Bob_Janke: If you spend "up to $9000" on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
@ExcuseMyTweets: It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy.