@PimpBillClinton: Siri, does this look infected?
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@internetluke: [looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground] It doesn't say its specifically for babies, Karen
@alfageeek: My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
@YesItsAl: My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons. At least that's what I had to tell child services just now.
@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.