Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
You Might Also Like
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork