Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Friday night party time 🥳
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]