Siri: Retweet me.
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
classic mixup
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?