@daemonic3: Siri: Retweet me.
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@shatty48: Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I'm still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
@GoldenSpirals: My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Police sketch artist job interview] "How am I not qualified?" Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"
@SteveSuckington: [Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* "How are you doing on Depends bud?"