Siri: Retweet me.
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inventing words: clothing
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Bros before Ohioes
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.