“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this