“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.