When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say