My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.