Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse