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@knot_eye: Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
@lecalabara: Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk.
@jimmytorosian: Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better... Nevermind that was rad
@dlockw21: Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine...
T: That's a Billy Joel song.
Me: You're no fun.
@Firawesome: If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
@mishakey: I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.