@knot_eye: Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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@WheelTod: My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
@mattZillaaaa: I'm 30 but I still feel like I'm 20 Until I hang out with 20 year olds Then I'm like no, never mind, I'm 30
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what