Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.