BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Ladies, why y’all do this?