Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.