@juliussharpe: SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there's nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.
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@hazelmotes1: I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
@long_pussy_lips: Sober in an Uber: Please don't talk to me. I don't know you. Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls
@ericsshadow: When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.