[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
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This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita