When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here