[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
O Wise One….
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials