*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.