Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
The days of good grammer has went
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.