[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern