[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
You Might Also Like
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
what it’s like dating me:
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*