Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I’d hang this in my house.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know