Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.