[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
why I oughta
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)