Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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When you’re Kinky but poor
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone