@shatterpants: Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.
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@kirthyiyer: The location of a pimple on your body is directly correlated to how much your body hates you.
@unravelingfire: Do hairy people get bed head all over? Ma'am, I just called to see if you're happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
@samalmightysam: That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
@jollyrobber: Dude's trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.