Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that