@shatterpants: Sitting in traffic wishing I had a Sasquatch to lean out of the passenger window and make police car noises.
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@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET