*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
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reminder
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…