My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Catercrombie & Fish
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Oops I deleted….
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?