Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
uh oh
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL