[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer