Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.