[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
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Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Never forget.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH