Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.