*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
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HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord