*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
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[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.