[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Time for evil
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
🚲+physics = winner
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I saw nothing
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY