My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.