Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
You Might Also Like
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers