*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
What the hell happened in there??
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.