[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.