*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
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[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Terribly Tuesday.