*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
You Might Also Like
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Milk Cube
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.