*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together