My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”