i have one speed and it’s mosey
You Might Also Like
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say