*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
bugs when you lift up a rock
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh